Not feeling can be just as bad as feeling too much.
The other night I couldn't sleep, which is unusual for me. As I lay in bed pondering whether I should write or try my best to fall asleep, writing won out.
This restlessness was probably due to going from100mg of Zoloft to 75mg, not a drastic reduction and one I've done before, but, for whatever reason, I was really feeling the effects (headache, nausea, dizziness) this time.
Over the years, I've had my meds adjusted more times than I can count. Antidepressants are a tricky thing, and it takes a lot of trial-and-error to figure out what works for you. But the reason for the reduction was different this time. I began feeling too numbed out and detached. I also noticed I hadn't cried in a long time. Sure, this could have been because I'm so happy and content to have my Harper after our four-year infertility journey, but I know this is not true. I am not a constant crier, but I am also a girl who has cried in the bathrooms of many of my past employers. I know myself. There were times I wanted to cry, but I couldn't seem to access those emotions to do it.
When I brought this up to Jared, he had such a funny response. He said, "Well, if you're not crying, isn't that a good thing? Doesn't it mean the drug is doing its job?"
It's not that simple.
Those of us experienced with taking SSRIs, or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, a commonly prescribed type of antidepressant. Zoloft is particular drug in the SSRI family. I know that an ideal balance is the goal: not being anxious or depressed but also not being too numb that you feel as if you're going through the motions. Depression without taking SSRIs and the result of taking too much can be strangely similar.
What is "emotional blunting"?
When I Googled this phenonemon, I learned it's called "emotional blunting," and is an actual thing, with many people posting to places like Reddit about their experiences. According to Medical News Today, emotional blunting refers to "the inability to experience both positive and negative emotions fully. It may also involve detachment, which refers to feeling distant from or not caring about others."
So, I had my answer. Now, what do I do about it?
I brought this feeling up to Lisa, my psychiatric NP, and, despite my increased worries as of late, she recommended dropping me from 100mg to 75mg. No big deal, I thought, since I had gone from 125mg to 50mg while pregnant. Interestingly, as my pregnancy had progressed, I felt physically worse but mentally better.
The night in question was only a couple of days after taking the lower dose. My discomfort began with a minor but uncomfortable headache and feeling off before I went to bed, also totally wired. The next day, I still had the headache. Even after taking Tylenol, I didn't feel like my regular self. Though the headache was gone, I felt dizzy and nauseous. I had told myself I was probably just dehydrated and I'd feel better after I ate or drank, but the feeling continued throughout the day, leading to a restless night. It became obvious I was dealing with some nasty side effects of reducing my dose.
While this feeling is uncomfortable, I did notice one positive effect not long after the dosage reduction: I found myself feeling more present and more joyful in my interactions with my daughter, whether cuddling on the couch together or hanging out together in the playard. Then, during dinner that day, after learning of the death of those two little Israeli brothers --- only 4 and 9 months old --- I felt my heart break for the first time since October 7, 2023. Tears welled in my eyes, and I felt ever so protective over my baby girl and just so much love for her.
Fortunately, this discomfort did not last too much longer. After experiencing some additional side effects the next morning, I felt back to myself the rest of the day and ever since. Hopefully, I'm out of the woods and can just reap the benefits of feeling once again.
Have you ever experienced emotional blunting from antidepressants or had struggled with withdrawal side effects? Post a comment!
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